So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
