Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Randomize
