Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
