I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
Randomize
