I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
Randomize
