I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Randomize
