Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
Randomize
