so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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