Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
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The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
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I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
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