So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
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