what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
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The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
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I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
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