M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
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