Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Randomize
