my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize
