Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
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