i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
