After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Randomize
