Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
How external is "for external use only"?
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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