Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
