Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
