I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
