She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
I have feelings that need drinking.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
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