So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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