So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize