Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
