About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
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