Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
