remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
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