Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
