oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
Randomize
