I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
Someone shattered a urinal.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
We just shotgunned beers for America
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
