never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Watching her eat just hurts me
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
