you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Randomize
