This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
No subtext here. People are naked.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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