I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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