Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
