Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
this must be what syphilis tastes like
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
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