i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
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woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
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No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
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