I hope you get the herp and dife. The emd.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
