Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
I miss vodka workout Fridays
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Randomize
