Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
He shit in the fireplace
i think we sleep fucked last night...
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize