my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
