Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
is it consensual if they're cheered on by a room filled with 30 people?
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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