On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize
