why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Randomize
