Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
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I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
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I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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