Where are you?
In a non slutty way
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
