woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
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