You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
The beer is more important than you right now.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
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