Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
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The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
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Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
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