My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
Well if yoir are still awake and secided to drink... You may aswell drink
That text needs to switch to water.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Randomize
