Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
how does that bad decision feel?
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
