I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize
