I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Randomize
