He uses pillows to masturbate.
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
