Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
